Sarahndipitea ~ luck in making unexpected & fortunate discoveries

On July 11, 2006, I noticed that ThEx didn’t have on his wedding band. When I asked him “where’s your ring?” he replied, unfeeling and cooly “Sarah, I’m thinking about leaving you.” Until that moment, I didn’t fully understand the feeling of your stomach bottoming out, I didn’t understand heartbreak, I didn’t understand true fear. After two days of discussions, sleeping in separate locations and many many many tears, ThEx left me. For the first (and so far the last) time in my life, I threw something.* I began packing that night, and two weeks later I moved out of our house and tried to start life over.

On July 11th (as well as the 13th) of 2007, I spent the night(s) drunk and sobbing with friends. I forced myself to forget the hurt that ThEx had caused and I realized how very miserable of a life I was making for myself.

On July 11th, 2008, I don’t actually remember what I was doing, but living alone and learning to move on was progression. I was thankful to be almost done with my second degree, working at a job I both enjoyed and was good at, and my life was slowly morphing into what I wanted it to be.

On July 11, 2009, I was anticipating my first visit to San Francisco. I was excited to see my people and to meet TheMister. Though I was miserable in a job I had previously loved, I was still managing to kick ass while there. I had plans to change things and was progressing toward them.

On July 11, 2010, I went to a 4-year-old’s birthday party. I helped the man of my dreams put together a Toy Story desk and enjoyed the company of my people while playing board games. I snuggled with and fell asleep in the arms of the man I know I’m going to marry and it was a good day.

On July 27, 2010, I realized that I forgot about July 11th, 2006. I pushed myself hard in a physical workout and sweated more than I had in ages. I fell asleep alone in my own bed, without being sad about anything. I grinned when I told TheMister about my revelation – I think he probably grinned, too.

On July 28, 2010, I spent the day beaming with pride, finally understanding what moving on means.

*I threw a framed photograph of us at the bedroom wall, denting the wall, breaking the frame and the glass.

• I downloaded ecto today to use on my Mac as a blogging platform. This is my first entry. To welcome ecto to my life, I have to use bullets.
• Catching up on this week’s Bachelorette … and my love for Frank (shuddup) walked out the door. What an effin’ putz. #teamChris
• Speaking of my fondness for reality television, TheMister has been enjoying Big Brother 12 with me. I still don’t have an absolute favorite (Hadyn and Lane top the list at this point) but it’s entertaining.
• Also, Hells Kitchen – it has been good. I’ve seen most of the episodes on Hulu, but it’s been just as good as watching it on the TV.
• I’ve had a couple of rough days at work lately – days that make me cry, even – but I have to remember the learning curve … and the fact that (unfortunately) I’m not perfect.
• On top of my oh-so-fun ankylosing spondylitis, my womanly parts (as TheMister has taken to calling them) have been acting out. For the past few months I’ve had more bleeding than not, severe pelvic pain and I just know that something isn’t right. There is a family history of endometriosis, I have a personal history of ovarian cysts, and with the other symptoms I’m dealing with, it could all be related to my thyroid. I’m so anxious about my health I actually called and made a doctor’s appointment all by myself. I’m gonna let a stranger inspect me on Saturday morning. Hopefully she can figure things out.
• My heart has been super heavy for a few friends lately and the Dr. Sarah in me has tried to make another experience. She was fired almost a year ago now and hasn’t been formally invited back. It may mean that my relationships with people have changed, not always for the best for us but I know it’s for the best for me.
• My DSLR showed up last week. I started taking photographs immediately. What do you think? I’m hoping to add a photography page to this blog soon. Keep your eyes peeled.
• I love ginger snaps. I don’t, however, love the yellow Sour Patch Kids. (I eat them anyway.)
• I was thinking I’d be making an October visit to Portland but I haven’t bought my tickets yet. It’s absurdly expensive to fly from SFO to PDX and I was hoping the prices would go down as I waited. I could fly to the Dominican Republic for less than flying to Portland … I’m debating (no joke).
• What have you been up to?

reason

1. I resigned from my position at WEGO Health on Monday. Two and a half years of writing about HIV and AIDS, women’s health, depression and anxiety and infertility, belonging to a Health Activist community that supported and understood me and working with an amazing cast of characters changed my life. I was blessed by this job, it was sad to leave.
2. I did everything wrong on Tuesday. I’m still “new” at work … there are still hundreds of things I have to learn, but I am expected to know things I just don’t *get* yet. I do them wrong. I need correction. I know this. It’s frustrating but I know I’m still learning.
3. Wednesday was when the aches began. It always starts between my shoulders and in my iliosacral joints. When I notice it in those two places, I watch for it in my shoulders and in my hips. As of Friday it has progressed into my ankles and my big toes. This is a normal flare-up. The last one I had was in March.
4. On Thursday I realized that I still hadn’t heard about my health insurance application. The stress of not being accepted was suddenly VERY very real – if I’m not approved, I don’t know what I’m going to (supposed to?) do. I desperately need medical care at this point of my life and the stress of maybe not getting it is hurting me even more. I was bitchy with TheMister to the point where I hurt his feelings. I fell asleep without telling him goodnight, or even that I love him. I didn’t tell the man of my dreams, the ONE for me, MY one, my best friend, that I loved him before I fell asleep. This has bothered me since.
5. The best thing about Friday was learning that my Maidenform bras were being shipped. No joke. Second best? I am in control of the remote right now.

It has been a very hard week for me, and I don’t know that the weekend will be any better. I’m not even being super-pessimistic, I just know that as my ankylosing spondylitis flare up continues, the pain will increase and I will be even grouchier, as well as less mobile and more stiff. I’m not looking forward to not being able to type without pain on Monday – especially since the CEO/CFO of my company is in the office doing interviews for a media thing.

*sigh*

(I didn’t write this post for sympathy. I wrote this post to get a slew of issues off my heart before I try to shut down for the evening.)

I’m not dead – but I have been posting at my Posterous and my Tumblr accounts a ton more lately. Sorry blog, I’ll come back to you when I have more than three brain cells alive at the end of the day.

xoxo

Me

Nine months ago I didn’t realize I was entering a life altering period.
Nine months ago I trusted my heart more than my brain.
Nine months ago I made a small decision that changed my entire life.

15 weeks ago I started a process that I didn’t give much credence to.
15 weeks ago I cried going into a new experience I was scared of.
15 weeks ago I talked to 13 strangers in a cold room about things few of you know about me.

Tuesday night I was handed a rock and it was announced that I was graduating.
Tuesday night there were strangers who said many kind things about me as they held my rock.
Tuesday night after class I put my graduation rock in my pocket and left the building a stronger woman.

In the future, I won’t make the same mistakes that lead me to this experience.
In the future, I might share more details about this period.
In the future, I will let the past 9 months continue to shape my life.

1. I am exhausted. Utterly and completely exhausted. Like, snored-so-bad-last-night-TheMister-actually-mentioned-it exhausted. It feels good and bad and has made me ugly.
2. I returned last Sunday from a whirlwind trip to Oregon. I watched Admiral graduate from college. I cried like a baby. I am sofa king proud of that woman. I *sigh* can’t really explain. It’s good stuff, man. (Oregon people, I’m looking to plan a late fall trip up there again and hope to bring TheMister with me.)
3. I survived my first week at my new job. THAT is why I’m exhausted. I work 8am-5:30pm. (Yeah, I know. You do the math. I’m happy with it.) Thankfully I’m low-maintenance enough that I can get up at 6:45am and drive to work. When I start taking the bus I won’t be able to afford that luxury though. I’m easing my body into it. I have been working spreadsheets like none other … both the working on them like none other and the spreadsheets like none other. I am going to be an Excel-Master in about a month. I’ll challenge you to a pivot-table-off. Or something equally as nerdy.
4. My job – it’s challenging and I love it. I’m doing stuff I enjoy and I’m being paid what I’m worth. I’m looking forward to seeing what gets put on my plate next – and I hear it’s rare to do that at a job.
5. Speaking of getting paid what I’m worth, I did some calculating, and I make, in two days, what it took me AN ENTIRE WEEK to make at the bank in Portland. I can’t get over what I put up with. I’ll never let myself be treated that way again. Ever.
6. TheMister continues to be the best cheerleader I’ve ever had … even when I’m snoring. The dood just gets me. I’m glad I got him.
7. That is all for now.
8. No, wait! Shit. I forgot. (I went downstairs to pee today and when I got down there, I forgot why I went down. Please see #1 for a refresher on why that would happen.)

because I have to share before I explode

I GOT A JOB!

details to come soon, but it’s a GREAT position & just what I need!

I thought this week would be the week I’d get a job. Instead, I had four interviews and have two three more scheduled.

I thought that I would accept any employer’s offer because I just need a job. Instead, I’ve learned what I’m worth and have stuck by it – even though the job search has been longer because of that.

I thought this week would drag on because I’m not working full time. Instead, I can’t believe that it’s 3pm on Friday and I still don’t feel like I got enough stuff done.

I thought that moving to San Francisco would be a good idea. Instead, I have learned it was the best decision I’ve made in a very very long time.

I thought that I would hate rain and grey clouds all of my life. Instead, I welcome it after weeks of sunshine and dryness; it smells good.

I thought I didn’t like peppers. I now willingly eat red and green peppers if they’re in my food. I still don’t like mushrooms though.

I thought that the twinge in my left ankle was no big deal. Instead, it’s two weeks old as of tomorrow and it has only gotten worse.

I am thinking about giving up thinking.